CPAC: Taste the Sadness
Go ahead and laugh. They deserve it.
As I pulled into Matt Schlapp’s preferred Gaylord Hotel in suburban Washington for the latest rendition of CPAC, ghosts of past selves flashed through my head. I remembered 2015, my last time at the gathering. It was an early inflection point in Jeb!’s campaign. As Bush was interviewed on stage by an obsequious Sean Hannity, a Revolutionary War cosplayer in a tricorne hat led a walkout. I was backstage managing an impending Breitbart News story about how Jeb’s new spokesman (moi) and campaign manager were hostile to homophobes.
It’s been quite the journey since then.
For all the familiar flashbacks, this year’s CPAC felt . . . different and a little sad. You might even say, low energy. Rick Wilson put it well on Charlie’s podcast this weekend, comparing the event to a “collapsing neutron star . . . it’s smaller. It’s hotter. It’s more intensely crazy.” A reporter at the event had a different sad-sack metaphor, describing the energy in the building as “what it feels like when the Apple Store leaves a dying mall.”
It’s funny, in a laugh-out-loud sort of way. Because we’re not laughing with CPAC. We’re laughing at it. But cheap laughs aside, there are some consequential questions about CPAC’s decline.
What does it signal for the direction of conservative politics and for the belle of the ball, Donald Trump? Were the ballrooms barren because some of the faithful decided to at long last change the channel from the Trump show? Or did they just figure they didn’t want to contribute to the legal defense fund of a dude who pummeled another dude’s dick against his will (allegedly).
Or is the reality simply that the entire Republican party is CPAC now, so there’s no real need for it anymore? Especially when there’s a younger, more dynamic offering for culture warriors looking for fellowship in Turning Point USA?
It’s probably a bit of each. What we do know is that Trump won the straw poll, again, with Tiny D finishing a distant second. But whether that matters . . . whether it’s a precursor of primaries to come or more of a Fat Elvis-meets-Ron Paul demonstration of fading niche power is something we can speculate about, but won’t actually know until next year’s CPAC.
In the meantime I thought it best to eye the event warily, behind Nelson Muntz’s taunting figure. So in order to distract myself from past traumas and bask in a bit of schadenfreude I decided to do like any good liberal arts student (or Gen X NBA draft aficionado) and journal through the pain.
As such, what follows is my diary from Day 1 of CPAC.
10:05: Walking through media row outside the hall. There’s a mob scene for Steve Bannon. Audience member talks about how Bannon’s War Room podcast “saved” them, after the stolen 2020 election. (Should I be offended that the TDS-afflicted sometimes say the same thing to me about The Bulwark Podcast?)
10:06: Spontaneous shouts of “Let’s Go Brandon” outside the Bannon booth. He’s grinning like like a pig in shit.
10:07: Adjacent booth features Don Jr. sitting alone in front of a fake White House backdrop. Chef’s kiss.
10:08: A woman urgently pushes by with warm milk for her boss. Unclear if she was bringing it to Don Jr. or Sean “Mommy Milky” Davis
10:15: I’m in the hall now for the first panel featuring CPAC’s Pummeler-in-Chief Matt Schlapp and Gym Jordan who begins by discussing the “assault” on conservatives . . . which seems like an awkward word choice given the circumstances.
10:20: Got a text from a Newsmax reporter who spotted me on the premises. “They’ll let anyone in here.” This is (unintentionally) perceptive.
10:41: Todd Starnes: “the real president of the United States [drink] was in East Palestine.”
10:43: Barack “Hussein” Obama. (Why didn’t I bring any weed gummies?)
10:47: “The truth will come out about January 6th,” says Ralph Norman, who famously texted Mark Meadows suggesting that the president declare “Marshall law” (sic, obviously) in order to steal the election. Norman went on to call Mark Milley a “traitor.” (There has never in history been a more on the nose “he who smelt it, dealt it.”)
10:49: “You must put some experimental potion in your arm.” (I wish.)
10:59: OMG I just saw video of a nervous-looking Schlapp getting grilled by Eric Michael Garcia about the pummeling charges before the event even started. The terror and rage in his eyes when he glances at the camera is a director’s dream. Welcome to the show, Schlappy!
11:02: Not sure how much more of this I can take. Is it really possible I’ve only been here for one hour?
11:09: A friend texts me a screenshot of faceless Grindr profile with the handle “CPAC sucker.”
11:12: Back on media row. Don Jr. is still podcasting in front of the fake White House.
11:13: First sighting of Pillowman.
11:23: Pillowman visits the Bannon booth promising to make news. Bannon pretends to be excited about the impending reveal.
“I’m announcing here to the country we are launching the election crime bureau!” Pillowman says with the subtlety of a tweaking methhead.
11:54: Back in the 1/3rd-full auditorium, it’s time for the Don Lemon panel (not a joke) featuring the Libs of TikTok lady and Kurt Schlicter, a man who has the unique distinction of having tweeted more times about Bulwark writers’ penises than anyone else in America. Schlicter’s first comment is a bawdy, quarter-century-old bit about Monica Lewinsky.
12:06: Schlicter is now telling a story about asking his officer in the military for permission to shoot a member of the media. The crowd applauds.
12:10: This panel is ostensibly about how conservatives are being censored but they’ve spent the past 3 minutes praising each other about how their platforms get more viewers than CNN and the New York Times. (Big if true!) Nobody seems to notice the conflict.
12:15: Back out with the masses.
12:16: Don Jr. still sitting in front of the fake White House. Rise and Grind.
12:19: Pizzagate Jack just made sustained eye contact with me as he passed by. Slightly ominous.
12:30: Panels are getting boring; I’m going to have some peri peri chicken and recharge for the afternoon.
1:38: As I return to the building Rep. Scott Perry brushes by. I’m reminded of his absurd attempt to have Jeffrey Clark be made attorney general in Trump’s final days in office, and then Perry’s prolonged fight to keep his January 6th-related text messages from the Department of Justice.
2:07: A teen and his girlfriend spot me outside the convention booths and say they like my Snapchat show. After brief pleasantries they accost me about Ukraine. He then asks me to take a selfie and say: “This is not my party” into his phone. I think I’m being mocked by the youngs.
2:10: As I mosey into the CPAC exhibit hall, here is the first booth:
2:22: Well you’ll never believe it but I just bumped into 2008 vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin. You betcha!
She’s dressed in all black and is apparently schlepping for the activists at the anti-ranked-choice-voting booth, which is almost enough to make me go whole hog on the ranked choice bandwagon. (Ed note: Palin recently lost a ranked-choice election.)
There is a modest group of six or seven people waiting to say hi, but I decided to cut to the front, to her staffer’s chagrin. Sarah is affable. She tells me she’s all in for Trump 2024 and thinks the MAGA movement is just an extension of the Tea Party energy she kicked off.
Heavy Uncle Rico vibes.
2:31: Talk to a MAGA activist from Georgia who tells me Republicans need to ballot harvest next time in order to compete. 2000 Elephants.
2:33: Was asked to take a photo behind a fake Oval Office with Mark McKinnon. Lots of pretend presidents at CPAC.
2:42: My first interview with brick man! He thinks Trump had a reason for his low-energy campaign announcement and he trusts the plan.
3:06: I was handed a card by a conservative activist who is starting the “world doesn’t need another podcast podcast.” Coincidentally, Kim Guilfoyle launched her podcast today. A friend suggested she call it “The Devil Wears MAGA.” She went with The Kim Guilfoyle Show instead. Lame.
3:08: Don Jr. still taking selfies in front of the fake White House. Hand to God.
3:13: Back in the auditorium. Apparently this is a paid advertisement panel for Truth Social featuring Devin Nunes. Imagine if Democratic events were this transparently grifty.
3:27: The other panelist is now pitching a product to fight “the Google.” It’s called Tusk. I begin to doze off in my chair. Need to find a place to take a nap.
3:30: Crowd is so weak that I’m starting to wonder if there are more vendors here than grassroots attendees.
3:35: Rick Scott comes on stage to dead silence. To say you could hear a pin drop would dramatically understate the case. On the big screen he looks like an amphibious, human/alien hybrid whose endoskeleton and exoskeleton are inverted.
3:38: This man is an energy vampire. The lack of enthusiasm is so palpable you could cut it with a butter knife. I think he’s said “destroy our country” 12 times in the first 3 minutes.
4:05: Seb Gorka just called me a dickhead.
4:13: Spotted: Dave Weigel with the man who claims to be JFK Jr. and a woman in a George magazine t-shirt. That’s commitment to the bit. Respect.
4:41: Matt Schlapp just power-walked past me with caked-on sepia makeup made splotchy by his sweat. He is surrounded by security guards. As he approached me he shouted “walk” curtly at his protection.
4:54: No ragrets
5:13: Mercedes Schlapp takes the stage for an interview with Newsmax CEO Chris Ruddy even though the schedule said it was supposed to be Matt. Hmmmm. Shades of Hillary?
5:19: Chris Ruddy is asked about the Dominion lawsuit in the least challenging manner possible. Despite that he still begins by saying “It’s a sensitive subject.” His defense is that his reporters didn’t say Trump was stealing the election, they were just reporting what Rudy said. Even if this were true, not the best defense. Sadly for Chris, it’s not true. I hope the suits at Dominion can find a place for him in the mailroom when they take over.
5:27: I thought I was at the end but they added another panel before Mike Pompeo. Might lay on the floor for a while.
5:29: Laying on the floor.
5:31: BORING.
5:35: Contemplating the types of torture I could subject The Circus leadership to for keeping me here this late in the day.
5:37: Jason Smith is the new Ways and Means chairman. He is asked what policies would fix things by Kevin Hassett who at one point purported to be a serious person. Smith offers no policy specifics. Instead he says the solutions will come from real Americans in Parkersburg, West Virginia not from experts in D.C. (Kevin Hassett has spent his entire career being an “expert” in D.C.)
5:53: Great news everybody. Pompeo postponed till tomorrow, I get to go home!
6:16: Walking out. Don Jr. still in front of the fake White House.
Four more years!
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I'm an atheist and I believe that Tim is doing God's work.
"Seb Gorka Called Me a Dickhead" would make an excellent subtitle for a book. Just sayin'