JVL, I am a retired elementary school counselor and principal. You couldn't be more right about "fairness" and competitiveness.
These come in to play from the adults in the wings. If the children have them, they got them from their parents and the crowd.
Watch a T ball game sometime. The parents push the rules in order to WIN. But the kids? One asked me, what's the score? I replied 30 to 0. He said, "which one are we?"
When I read this "One of the reasons we try to create fairness in society is precisely because we recognize that the world is unfair," I about jumped out of my seat because I have thought this for decades but had never got anyone to agree. (Yeah, need new friends.)
I loved reading this whole thing even though sports of all kinds not my thing probably because for various reasons I was prevented from participating in my youth so I guess I have a gigantic sour grapes issue to deal with.
"I'm not crying, you're crying". Also "Something's in my eye" (strangely enough, both eyes and at the same time).
JVL, You keep outdoing yourself. If only the rest of society understood what is really important in life. Also, I really needed to have read this about 20 years ago, but at least it'll directly help our kids now. ❤
Good luck to Flash and the rest of your family for everything ahead! You're good people.
Preach brother. I'll go on to say my own family has mostly a glancing interest in sports, but this applies universally: there is not enough respect for the process and too much focus on results. This applies to college students who cheat, including with but not limited to AI. You've got American Idol types of things where anybody cares what Simon Cowell has to say, instead of just exploring music as a vastly interesting thing. Make America Curious Again.
Your keep bringing up Flash. He's a male and he competes against males. My adopted granddaughter runs track at college. They have a trans woman on their team. While they like her and have no problem with the trans part, they do not like losing to her all of the time in team trials. Their team competes with other schools with trans women who always win. Biologically, women and men are different in the pelvic region. Women's are meant for childbirth, men's aren't. Because of this difference men have a speed advantage. I say that this male skeletal advantage is unfair in any sport where speed is needed.
JVL, when you are ready for the Appalachian Trail, it will be ready for you as you fit the culture of the AT.
This article is important to the sense of community that used to bring residents of the US together...and how we can not assume parents are passing along the lessons of previous generations.
All umps and coaches should be like this one. And there is an Adage that reads: It's not if you win or lose it's how you play the game. Being a good sport is way better and a whole lot less destructive than the counterpart. And yes it's something you should take with you throughout your life!
I really appreciated this piece, especially the focus on resilience and character-building over external rewards. That said, I found myself wondering about one particular asymmetry: it seems that when we downplay the concept of fairness, it’s primarily girls who are being asked to carry the burden.
Boys' sports (like Flash's baseball path) largely continue unaffected, while girls may face real competitive shifts, even at non-elite levels. And while winning isn’t everything, it does matter, especially for young girls who could start feeling there’s no real shot at success, and lose motivation to play altogether. This isn't an anti-inclusion point, just an observation that the "unfairness" feels distributed unevenly, and that might be worth acknowledging more explicitly.
P.S. Admittedly, I’m not a parent and don’t have much personal stake in sports. But something Sarah said last week sparked this nerve. I don’t have solutions. This is hard, and surely hardest on trans kids and their families. I also agree with you both: we’re probably spending way too much cultural bandwidth on an issue affecting a relatively small number of people. It’s fair to ask whether constant focus inadvertently aligns with the far-right’s disproportionate emphasis.
I am going to read this essay to my kids (6, 8, and 10) tonight over dinner. They deserve to know this, and they deserve to hear it from their parents. Loved it entirely.
Loved this. Sports was very formative for my sons and I personally study coaches for my personal pursuits in work and volunteer leadership. Coaches are everything — whether they’re parent volunteers or paid professionals. My son’s HS football coach was very experienced and accomplished but returning to our school after starting his career there 30 years earlier. He wanted to host a mom’s night and I offered to organize it. Solid attendance, good fellowship. Your child’s coach may spend more time with your kid than anyone else at school depending on the sport and it was important for him to share his approach and priorities to shape young men who would ready for the step after high school when they joined the next community. Very few people play organized sports beyond HS, but the example and lessons last.
I hope to have more intelligent to say at a later date, but this was so fantastic.
My 17-year-old step-son and my 9 year old son are in club sports (not as talented as Flash) and there is so much I like and dislike about kids club sports.
LOVE the “Ump Jar”! I am stealing that idea!!
Thanks, Jonathan.
P.S. you were definitely channeling “good JVL” when you wrote this!! 😊
JVL, in your first topic titled “Competition” you state, "Last week on the Secret pod, Sarah and I had a great conversation about trans athletes in women’s sports. Her view is that post-puberty, the participation of trans women in women’s athletics is inherently unfair to biological women. My view is that this certainly can be true, but that ideas about fairness in athletics shouldn’t really matter until money is on the line. (Either in the form of actual money or scholarship money.)”
Granted, this is your opinion, to which you have a right to express. IMO, it’s a ludicrous position.
And perhaps this is a debate about fairness vs equality - with a host of tangential conversations.
But Sarah is right - it IS true that trans women have an unfair physiological advantage over biological women in nearly all sports. High school boys across the country post times comparable to and often better than world class times and even world records for women.
For instance, the women's world record for the mile is 4 minutes 7.64 seconds, set by Kenya's Faith Kipyegon on July 21, 2023. At the 2022 High School Festival of Miles, 12 boys, including nine from Oregon, ran under 4:10 in the mile, with several completing the race in under 4:07. This indicates that while sub-4-minute miles are rare, performances faster than 4:07 are more common among elite high school runners. Earlier this week a 15 year old boy from New Zealand broke 4:00 for the Mile Run.
The story of Lea Thomas, the Transgender swimmer at Penn, has become the lightening rod for much of this - though it’s been an issue for years. I applaud Transgender people for their courage to live their lives authentically. But even if hormone treatments to reverse the effects of higher levels of testosterone in males are used (and are required by some sports administrations for Transgender women to compete against women), the benefits of higher testosterone levels during developmental years through puberty can’t be reversed. The evidence is unequivocal.
Of course it’s equally ludicrous that Trump and Co. have made this a divisive political issue - “There are now only two genders in the US: male and female”.
The Boston Marathon which has qualifying standards based on age and gender now includes a Transgender Division - which uses the women’s qualifying standard. Might some unscrupulous men who aren’t fast enough to meet the men’s standard in their respective age category enter the Transgender Division - good question and the answer is “probably”. And that’s likely why prize money is rightly not offered for this Division - going to your point about bigger stakes in adult sports.
As to your other points about competition - another lengthy conversation. Competition can be compared to a loaded gun - it has no point of view. Is it a positive or a negative? It depends.
In his 1976 classic “The Inner Game of Tennis”, Timothy Galway offers a number of profound insights. One that covers much of your other offerings is “There would be nothing wrong with competition if the participants didn’t stake their self-worth to the outcome of the game”. If youth coaches - and educators and parents as well - would instill this notion into their young charges, much of the destructive aspects of competition (in all walks of life) would be significantly curtailed. But many youth coaches are driven by the notion that they are evaluated on the won/loss record of the team they coach. So the vicious cycle is perpetuated.
Galway further postulated that one should view their opponent as simply representing a challenge. Concurrently one could also view an opponent as a collaborator - each having a responsibility to provide the greatest challenge to each other - in the name of helping their opponent to improve. Mind you, this is simply a cognitive gymnastic - a mindset that can effectively reduce or eliminate competition anxiety, setting one free to perform to the best of their current ability.
Vince Lombardi once said, “Winning isn’t everything - it’s the only thing”. Responding to criticism for the negative message that sent, he clarified what he meant - which was “Winning isn’t everything, but the WILL to win is”. And the Will to win has nothing to do with the actual outcome. It has everything to do with commitment and dedication to preparing for a goal then leaving no stone unturned in the name of fairly (within the rules) giving everything you have toward attaining that goal. Doing so may still or may not lead to victory - but it’s the definition of “Success”
Is fairness in competitive sports overrated when there is no money on the line? I don’t think so, at least not by the time athletes are in high school. Even people who aren’t interested in sports are generally aware, through osmosis if nothing else, that those who are seem always to be talking, arguing about calls made by referees and umpires, or that should have been made; judges decisions; and the application and interpretation of rules. Whether these are athletes, coaches or spectators — proverbial sports fans — this kind of talk never ends. It truly is part of the woof and warp of competitive sports. All of these discussions and arguments at root are about fairness, a concept that for them is surely not overrated but, more accurately, an obsession. True, much of this discussion revolves around professional, major collegiate and championship international sports competition, but don’t think for a moment that it is absent from American high school sports. I can assure you as a onetime three-sport high school athlete whose eyes and ears remain open after many decades, that players, coaches and spectators of high school sports are passionate about these matters. For so many people across the country, high school sports are a key part of their sense of community. To brush off their concerns about fairness because essentially no money is on the line is a political speculation that seems quite foolish. Communities across the country are unlikely to buy such an argument.
This is a lovely piece and I'm glad to have read it.
I was a tomboy, and I still remember the day in 4th grade -- I can see the field -- when all the boys started yelling at me which base to throw the ball to. The day before they'd trusted me.
I was destroyed by high school sports. No one wanted on their team. If the volleyball fell between me and three other people, it was my fault. Losses were always my fault. No teacher intervened. We spent most of the period sitting on the benches watching the varsity guys get all the floor time anyway.
When I was 30, some co-workers that I really liked talked me into playing volleyball with them. It was the first time I had ever been on a team where no one cared if I missed or not. It was the first time I had really ever had fun playing sports.
I hope things have changed for young people, but sports was torture at a time when my self-esteem needed all the help it could get.
JVL, I am a retired elementary school counselor and principal. You couldn't be more right about "fairness" and competitiveness.
These come in to play from the adults in the wings. If the children have them, they got them from their parents and the crowd.
Watch a T ball game sometime. The parents push the rules in order to WIN. But the kids? One asked me, what's the score? I replied 30 to 0. He said, "which one are we?"
When I read this "One of the reasons we try to create fairness in society is precisely because we recognize that the world is unfair," I about jumped out of my seat because I have thought this for decades but had never got anyone to agree. (Yeah, need new friends.)
I loved reading this whole thing even though sports of all kinds not my thing probably because for various reasons I was prevented from participating in my youth so I guess I have a gigantic sour grapes issue to deal with.
"I'm not crying, you're crying". Also "Something's in my eye" (strangely enough, both eyes and at the same time).
JVL, You keep outdoing yourself. If only the rest of society understood what is really important in life. Also, I really needed to have read this about 20 years ago, but at least it'll directly help our kids now. ❤
Good luck to Flash and the rest of your family for everything ahead! You're good people.
Preach brother. I'll go on to say my own family has mostly a glancing interest in sports, but this applies universally: there is not enough respect for the process and too much focus on results. This applies to college students who cheat, including with but not limited to AI. You've got American Idol types of things where anybody cares what Simon Cowell has to say, instead of just exploring music as a vastly interesting thing. Make America Curious Again.
Your keep bringing up Flash. He's a male and he competes against males. My adopted granddaughter runs track at college. They have a trans woman on their team. While they like her and have no problem with the trans part, they do not like losing to her all of the time in team trials. Their team competes with other schools with trans women who always win. Biologically, women and men are different in the pelvic region. Women's are meant for childbirth, men's aren't. Because of this difference men have a speed advantage. I say that this male skeletal advantage is unfair in any sport where speed is needed.
Yeah; at college it probably matters.
It's more than luck and you & Mrs. JVL should be thanked as well.
JVL, when you are ready for the Appalachian Trail, it will be ready for you as you fit the culture of the AT.
This article is important to the sense of community that used to bring residents of the US together...and how we can not assume parents are passing along the lessons of previous generations.
All umps and coaches should be like this one. And there is an Adage that reads: It's not if you win or lose it's how you play the game. Being a good sport is way better and a whole lot less destructive than the counterpart. And yes it's something you should take with you throughout your life!
From a note to JVL:
I really appreciated this piece, especially the focus on resilience and character-building over external rewards. That said, I found myself wondering about one particular asymmetry: it seems that when we downplay the concept of fairness, it’s primarily girls who are being asked to carry the burden.
Boys' sports (like Flash's baseball path) largely continue unaffected, while girls may face real competitive shifts, even at non-elite levels. And while winning isn’t everything, it does matter, especially for young girls who could start feeling there’s no real shot at success, and lose motivation to play altogether. This isn't an anti-inclusion point, just an observation that the "unfairness" feels distributed unevenly, and that might be worth acknowledging more explicitly.
P.S. Admittedly, I’m not a parent and don’t have much personal stake in sports. But something Sarah said last week sparked this nerve. I don’t have solutions. This is hard, and surely hardest on trans kids and their families. I also agree with you both: we’re probably spending way too much cultural bandwidth on an issue affecting a relatively small number of people. It’s fair to ask whether constant focus inadvertently aligns with the far-right’s disproportionate emphasis.
I am going to read this essay to my kids (6, 8, and 10) tonight over dinner. They deserve to know this, and they deserve to hear it from their parents. Loved it entirely.
Loved this. Sports was very formative for my sons and I personally study coaches for my personal pursuits in work and volunteer leadership. Coaches are everything — whether they’re parent volunteers or paid professionals. My son’s HS football coach was very experienced and accomplished but returning to our school after starting his career there 30 years earlier. He wanted to host a mom’s night and I offered to organize it. Solid attendance, good fellowship. Your child’s coach may spend more time with your kid than anyone else at school depending on the sport and it was important for him to share his approach and priorities to shape young men who would ready for the step after high school when they joined the next community. Very few people play organized sports beyond HS, but the example and lessons last.
My note to JVL last night.
This might be my all-time favorite TRIAD.
I hope to have more intelligent to say at a later date, but this was so fantastic.
My 17-year-old step-son and my 9 year old son are in club sports (not as talented as Flash) and there is so much I like and dislike about kids club sports.
LOVE the “Ump Jar”! I am stealing that idea!!
Thanks, Jonathan.
P.S. you were definitely channeling “good JVL” when you wrote this!! 😊
JVL, in your first topic titled “Competition” you state, "Last week on the Secret pod, Sarah and I had a great conversation about trans athletes in women’s sports. Her view is that post-puberty, the participation of trans women in women’s athletics is inherently unfair to biological women. My view is that this certainly can be true, but that ideas about fairness in athletics shouldn’t really matter until money is on the line. (Either in the form of actual money or scholarship money.)”
Granted, this is your opinion, to which you have a right to express. IMO, it’s a ludicrous position.
And perhaps this is a debate about fairness vs equality - with a host of tangential conversations.
But Sarah is right - it IS true that trans women have an unfair physiological advantage over biological women in nearly all sports. High school boys across the country post times comparable to and often better than world class times and even world records for women.
For instance, the women's world record for the mile is 4 minutes 7.64 seconds, set by Kenya's Faith Kipyegon on July 21, 2023. At the 2022 High School Festival of Miles, 12 boys, including nine from Oregon, ran under 4:10 in the mile, with several completing the race in under 4:07. This indicates that while sub-4-minute miles are rare, performances faster than 4:07 are more common among elite high school runners. Earlier this week a 15 year old boy from New Zealand broke 4:00 for the Mile Run.
The story of Lea Thomas, the Transgender swimmer at Penn, has become the lightening rod for much of this - though it’s been an issue for years. I applaud Transgender people for their courage to live their lives authentically. But even if hormone treatments to reverse the effects of higher levels of testosterone in males are used (and are required by some sports administrations for Transgender women to compete against women), the benefits of higher testosterone levels during developmental years through puberty can’t be reversed. The evidence is unequivocal.
Of course it’s equally ludicrous that Trump and Co. have made this a divisive political issue - “There are now only two genders in the US: male and female”.
The Boston Marathon which has qualifying standards based on age and gender now includes a Transgender Division - which uses the women’s qualifying standard. Might some unscrupulous men who aren’t fast enough to meet the men’s standard in their respective age category enter the Transgender Division - good question and the answer is “probably”. And that’s likely why prize money is rightly not offered for this Division - going to your point about bigger stakes in adult sports.
As to your other points about competition - another lengthy conversation. Competition can be compared to a loaded gun - it has no point of view. Is it a positive or a negative? It depends.
In his 1976 classic “The Inner Game of Tennis”, Timothy Galway offers a number of profound insights. One that covers much of your other offerings is “There would be nothing wrong with competition if the participants didn’t stake their self-worth to the outcome of the game”. If youth coaches - and educators and parents as well - would instill this notion into their young charges, much of the destructive aspects of competition (in all walks of life) would be significantly curtailed. But many youth coaches are driven by the notion that they are evaluated on the won/loss record of the team they coach. So the vicious cycle is perpetuated.
Galway further postulated that one should view their opponent as simply representing a challenge. Concurrently one could also view an opponent as a collaborator - each having a responsibility to provide the greatest challenge to each other - in the name of helping their opponent to improve. Mind you, this is simply a cognitive gymnastic - a mindset that can effectively reduce or eliminate competition anxiety, setting one free to perform to the best of their current ability.
Vince Lombardi once said, “Winning isn’t everything - it’s the only thing”. Responding to criticism for the negative message that sent, he clarified what he meant - which was “Winning isn’t everything, but the WILL to win is”. And the Will to win has nothing to do with the actual outcome. It has everything to do with commitment and dedication to preparing for a goal then leaving no stone unturned in the name of fairly (within the rules) giving everything you have toward attaining that goal. Doing so may still or may not lead to victory - but it’s the definition of “Success”
Is fairness in competitive sports overrated when there is no money on the line? I don’t think so, at least not by the time athletes are in high school. Even people who aren’t interested in sports are generally aware, through osmosis if nothing else, that those who are seem always to be talking, arguing about calls made by referees and umpires, or that should have been made; judges decisions; and the application and interpretation of rules. Whether these are athletes, coaches or spectators — proverbial sports fans — this kind of talk never ends. It truly is part of the woof and warp of competitive sports. All of these discussions and arguments at root are about fairness, a concept that for them is surely not overrated but, more accurately, an obsession. True, much of this discussion revolves around professional, major collegiate and championship international sports competition, but don’t think for a moment that it is absent from American high school sports. I can assure you as a onetime three-sport high school athlete whose eyes and ears remain open after many decades, that players, coaches and spectators of high school sports are passionate about these matters. For so many people across the country, high school sports are a key part of their sense of community. To brush off their concerns about fairness because essentially no money is on the line is a political speculation that seems quite foolish. Communities across the country are unlikely to buy such an argument.
Great story. Loved it. If all kids could learn these lessons early we would be ALL better off.
This is a lovely piece and I'm glad to have read it.
I was a tomboy, and I still remember the day in 4th grade -- I can see the field -- when all the boys started yelling at me which base to throw the ball to. The day before they'd trusted me.
I was destroyed by high school sports. No one wanted on their team. If the volleyball fell between me and three other people, it was my fault. Losses were always my fault. No teacher intervened. We spent most of the period sitting on the benches watching the varsity guys get all the floor time anyway.
When I was 30, some co-workers that I really liked talked me into playing volleyball with them. It was the first time I had ever been on a team where no one cared if I missed or not. It was the first time I had really ever had fun playing sports.
I hope things have changed for young people, but sports was torture at a time when my self-esteem needed all the help it could get.