Ron’s and Tim’s Report Cards

Gov. DeSantis and Sen. Scott have made their campaigns official—how are they doing so far?

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Tim Miller: Tim Scott and Ron DeSantis make it officially official, so let’s check out their pre-campaign report cards.

Cleveland Brown Jr. (from The Cleveland Show): We get a grade in this class?

Miller: This is “Not My Party,” brought to you by The Bulwark. Over the past three months, Trump’s primary lead has ballooned from 15 percent to 37 percent according to the RCP polling averages—an astonishing jump given that the race hadn’t really even started yet.

Avery Bullock (from American Dad): This is very concerning.

Miller: But now he’s got two well-funded opponents who some in the GOP establishment think can dethrone him.

Nandor (Kayvan Novak on What We Do in the Shadows): How is such a thing even possible?

Miller: So here’s my report card on where they stand. First up, Tim Scott, who got in the race on Monday. Message: A-. In a presidential campaign, people knowing your elevator pitch is really important, and Scott has a clear message that I kinda like: optimism, cheery conservatism, that “shining city on the hill” sh*t.

Stan Smith (from American Dad): America is the greatest country in the world.

Miller: Vibe with 2024 GOP voters: D. The problem is, having a good, clear message doesn’t matter if it’s not the kind of thing voters are lookin’ for. Scott’s sunny themes might’ve been a better fit for the compassionate conservative GOP of yesteryear—

George W. Bush: Compassionate conservatism.

Kenny Davis (Harland Williams in Half Baked): Ah, those days are gone.

Miller: —not the MAGA crowd that’ll decide this year’s campaign.

Trump supporter: So what if he wants to grab pussy, I wish I could grab as much pussy as he is.

Lila Yale (Emmy Harrington on Jessica Jones): Those are certainly issues.

Miller: Ability to dunk on Trump: F. Scott had a viral moment last week when Elon Musk tweeted his stump speech about individual responsibility and holding criminals accountable, which raises the question, what about accountability for Trump?

Arabella (from Little Demon): It’s time to hold him accountable.

Miller: Scott won’t even try to criticize the former guy over January 6th or his myriad other crimes. You can’t beat a guy with a 54-point lead on you if you’re unwilling or unable to explain what makes you better than him.

Sterling Frost Jr. (Adrian Brody on Poker Face): We hit him where it hurts.

Lois Griffin (from Family Guy): I don’t think that’s gonna work.

Miller: Fundraising: B+. Scott found himself a cash cow, Oracle co-founder Larry Ellison, who has pledged to give him $60 million of his own fortune for this campaign.

Joe “Shell Oil Junior” (Tony Curtis in Some Like It Hot): What a waste of money.

Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas in Wall Street): Capitalism at its finest.

Miller: Intangibles, C-. The possibility of being the first black Republican nominee, that’s a plus. Being an unmarried, childless bachelor, who was a 30-year-old virgin, a minus. And it seems like his campaign team could use a little work.

Tim Scott: America is not a nation—[audio cuts out].

Butters Stotch (from South Park): Oh gee, that’s embarrassing.

Miller: It’s hard to see Scott’s path given these grades. This seems more like a campaign for VP than for P.

Lloyd Christmas (Jim Carry in Dumb and Dumber): So you’re telling me there’s a chance.

Miller: Next up, Meatball Ron DeSantis, who announced his campaign on Wednesday. Message: A+. DeSantis has the best elevator pitch for this primary: Ditch the biggest loser for a winner who got MAGA results. But can he deliver?

Max Reed (Mark Hamill in The Guyver): I’m not sure I want to find out.

Miller: Vibe with GOP voters: Incomplete. So far, his strong pitch has fallen on mostly deaf ears, maybe that’s because of his disastrous decision to get smacked around by the Mouse, or maybe it’s because, under the bright lights, he seemed kind of weird.

Ron DeSantis: Hi, how are you guys? Good to see ya. What’s your name?

Tim Anthony: I’m Tim Anthony.

DeSantis: Okay.

Anthony: How are ya?

DeSantis: I’m wonderful.

Miller: But he has time to turn it around. He’s got some things going for him: He sided with the GOP base on issues that are important to them in 2024—COVID, immigration, wokeness. Plus, he’s triggered the left so hard that the NAACP is now offering a Florida travel advisory—which I think is a little much, go visit Wynwood, it’s sick. So if Trump fumbles the bag, DeSantis is in the best position to pick up the MAGA voters.

Peter Griffin (from Family Guy): The second coming!

Brie Sheridan (Zibby Allen on Virgin River): Great.

Miller: Ability to dunk on Trump: D. Head-to-head with Trump is where it could get really ugly. Trump’s ads are crushing Ron, and in his stump speech, Trump is a rabid dog going straight for the jugular, while DeSantis offers this whiny-voiced passive-aggressive pushback.

DeSantis: I don’t know what goes into paying hush money to a porn star to secure silence over some type of alleged affair, I just, I can’t speak to that.

Luke Skywalker (Graham Hamilton on The Book of Boba Fett): That’s all you got?

Miller: The make-or-break question for DeSantis will be: Can he go toe-to-toe with Trump and get his strong message across without turning off MAGA voters or coming off like a beta bitch?

Phoebe Buffay (Lisa Kudrow on Friends): It’s a fine line, huh?

Miller: Funding: A. The Richie Rich GOP donors are desperate to make Ron happen, so he’ll have the money he needs.

Howard Hamlin (Patrick Fabian on Better Call Saul): No real surprise there.

Miller: Intangibles: D-.

DeSantis: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, this is your governor speaking.

Miller: I mean, clips of weird Ron are popping up everywhere, and I don’t think they’re gonna stop.

Voiceover from DeSantis ad: Ron loves playing with the kids.

DeSantis: Build the wall!

ALF (from ALF): Yikes.

Miller: So there’s the report cards. We’ll see you next week for more “Not My Party”—and your Denver Nuggets in the NBA finals for the first time ever!