The Gross Hellscape That Awaits Ted Cruz on Parler

Crying wolf but never actually leaving, the flouncing parade of #MAGA conservatives yet again are looking for a substitute to Twitter. Here’s what they’ll find.
June 26, 2020
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(Photo by Darren Hauck/Getty Images)

Note: This article includes offensive screenshots from Parler users.

As incendiary Twitter accounts have increasingly been held accountable by the enforcement of Twitter’s terms of service, some right-wing users have taken to crying censorship.

Here is what transpired. The accounts in question made multiple offenses. They appeared to violate the rules. They were warned. They were given explanations. Nevertheless, they persisted.

And now several Republican officials have taken notice and concluded that this is a grave constitutional issue. Free speech itself is in danger. For Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Devin Nunes, and others, ensuring that even the dregs of society can post with impunity is a priority without peer. A private company is putting a warning label on users who inject violent or racist material on its platform? Somebody call James Madison, the Constitution is on fire!

If you are like Ted, Rand, and Devin and are wondering whether Twitter is just a wee bit too polite—whether it could be more welcoming of fringe viewpoints—have we got good news for you.

These Republican leaders are pretending to leave Twitter, joining such intellectual luminaries as Dan Bongino, Jacob Wohl, Eric Trump, and Dinesh D’Souza, in the Autonomous Safe Zone App, Parler.

The Parler website even has a “Declaration Of Internet Independence” slamming the “Technofascism” of Silicon Valley and Twitter and claiming that “millions”—yes, millions—have been banned for their political ideology. “We The People have had enough!” they cry, demanding “Free Speech” and “Liberties” and other good things with Randomly Capitalized Letters.

Doesn’t that sound like a wonderful company?

In reality, the largest group of accounts targeted for suspension from Twitter have been bots and terrorists, like the tens of millions of fake accounts removed after the scale of Russian interference in the 2016 election became clear, or the roughly 250,000 accounts associated with ISIS/ISIL removed after the 2015 terror attacks in Paris and San Bernardino.

And when right-wing activists have gone to court to complain about getting kicked off Twitter, it hasn’t gone well for them—Laura Loomer sued in 2018 over having been banned from the platform and the court threw out her case. As Forbes reported at the time, “The judges dismissed the claim that the tech companies violated their First Amendment rights, noting that the suit didn’t show how those rights could have been violated since the First Amendment only protects against governmental infringement on speech.” The facts don’t care about your feelings.

But if your feelings are telling you you’re still in danger of being silenced by the evil left-wing technofascist bros of the Bay Area, we figured you might have a few questions. So here’s a quick peek at what it’ll look like when you pop into Parler, based on an eight-minute perusal of the app.

PARLER FAQ:

1) Do you have questions about whether the George Floyd murder is a false flag? If so, this is a good place to explore those theories.

2) Are you interested in exploring theories about Jewish history or Judaism?

3) Do you like to learn about history . . . and the influence of Judaism on key historical figures?

4) Are you interested in current events? . . . and, again, the influence of Judaism therein?

5) Have you felt that the existing social media platforms don’t provide you enough opportunity to post pro-slavery memes?

6) Jesus was white and had blue eyes. Agree or Agree?

If you’ve gotten this far and are interested, we do have a bit of bad news. Most of the available user names containing the N-word have already been taken by the original settlers:

This looks like a grotesque hellscape of racist incels who have the emotional maturity of 13-year-old brats at a segregated boys’ prep school. And it reveals that the problem going forward for conservatives is deeper than just Donald Trump. Parler and the fanciful rage that supports it are symptomatic of a party and a movement that are overrun by grifters and intellectually bereft trolls championing constitutional illiteracy.

But for Ted and Rand and Devin, this is just what a web free from evil cEnSoRs looks like.

So enjoy, fellas, and congrats on your new neighbors and your freedom from @jack’s oppressive hand.

See you back on Twitter in a few weeks (hours).

Tim Miller and Hannah Yoest

Tim Miller is a contributor to The Bulwark and a communications consultant. Hannah Yoest is an editor and the art director of The Bulwark.